A Late One.

January 19, 2007

OK.  So I didn’t post last night because:
a) I went to bed early (before midnight in fact – how  very odd), and
b) I had what I would think is a  ‘proper’ binge and felt embarrassed and didn’t really want to tell the world what a disgusting pig I had been.

I did consider posting, and just not listing everything I ate, but figured if there was no point in lying, not even to a screen.  I am still embarrassed and still don’t really want to share what I ate yesterday, but the reason I started this was to be honest with myself about my own habits, so here goes;

1 apple.
1 and a half small baked potatoes with tuna mayo.
4 wholemeal crackers with 4 slices of cheese.
1 bag Doritos (not the massive, but the big bags)
2 mini pepperoni pizzas
1 summer fruits cheesecake (yes, pretty much a whole one)
1 Galaxy caramel egg.

I suppose it was an emotional day.  In the evening, Ella started to get a little bit upset, and started crying and asking for her daddy.  It is infinitely impossible to explain to a 3 year old why she cannot see him.  I let her call him, to be honest as much to force him to listen to his daughter upset as much as to cheer her up.  She was ok when she was on the phone though, and he misheard ‘daddy I want you’ as ‘daddy I love you’ (I sent him a text afterwards to point out that she was crying and that she had kept saying ‘I want daddy’.  Surprise surprise, no response.), then after the phonecall was immediately upset again, and her cry was a proper sad cry, which made me cry.

It didn’t last too long, because the trick with kids it to divert them and give them something else to think about.  It still was not a lovely half hour though, and just increases the guilt over having taken her away from her father (despite the fact there is fuck all to stop him making some effort to see his daughter more).

I also had some good news yesterday, I have been offered a job after 3 months of looking.  It’s great, as it means I am employable after all, and it’s also a company I would very much like to work for.  They have offered 18.75 hours a week across Monday – Wednesday which is great, the salary is good and the holiday is respectable.  The only problem is that they want me to work 1 in 4 Saturdays.

I have just commited to doing Lighterlife on Saturdays, and it is very important to me to attend all of the meetings.  There is also the factor of childcare.  Yes, at the moment Ella is at her dad’s every weekend, but every other weekend she doesn’t get collected until 10/11am on a Saturday, which means I wouldn’t be able to work those weekends.  Also, sometime in May/June, his shift patterns change and he starts to have to work weekends, and I end up with Ella on the weekends quite a lot.

It’s not that I wont be able to work some of the Saturdays, it’s just that I cannot promise that I will be able to do all of them.  In some cases it may be fine when the organise the rota, but Steve (Ella’s dad) is prone to changing arrangements last minute, and I would hate to have to let work down at a moments notice, because of something that is out of my control.

I have left a message for them to call me back so we can discuss the contract, and it really all depends on how flexible they are, and how much they would like me to join their team.  I shall make sure to mention that when Ella goes to school, I will be looking to work full time and develop a career for myself, and that I could easily see myself doing that with their company.  To be fair, I wouldn’t expect them to take me on if I can’t do the Saturdays, because everyone else has to, and it might be a little unfair to other employees if I don’t.  However, they did say in the interview that they haven’t any single mothers working for them, perhaps they are prepared to be flexible in order to take one on.   Who knows.  Hopefully though, this morning will be my last trip to the job centre to see my Lone Parent Advisor, and the last time I am made to feel like an uneducated lazy dole scum chav mum.  This would be A Good Thing.


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