Day Seven.

February 4, 2007

First weigh in yesterday afternoon, and I lost 3.7 kilos, which is just over 8lb.  I still don’t know what my weight is, or was, according to the counsellor’s scales.  I was a little disappointed, as I weighed myself on my mum’s scales before I started and they read 16st 8lbs, and when I weighed myself on them again on Thursday (and also today) they said 15st 9lbs.  They have always been accurate before (and in line with the scales of whoever else is weighing me at the time), so I am trusting them.  My own scales said I had gone from 230lbs to 218lbs, so I’m fairly sure I’ve lost more than 8.  It’s perhaps down to the fact it is my time of the month.  Either way, I’ve had a good loss, and when I was measured, I’ve lost 3cm from my bust, and 3cm from my waist which is great.

Spent most of the weekend feeling a bit down about things.  The class yesterday was not at all inspiring, in fact everything the counsellor said made me think probably the opposite to what she intended me to.  She was talking about making SMART goals for weight loss and for life, and to illustrate her point she told us about tetraplegics she had worked with, who had before been healthy.  Her point was that you never know what will happen tomorrow, so don’t waste time.  All that made me think was why the fuck am I wasting 2 hours of my Saturday here, and the next three months of my life not eating, drinking, or socialising?

The class so far seems very geared towards weight loss, which I know is the main point, but the reason I am doing Lighterlife rather than any other sort of diet is because I have serious eating problems which I desperately want to overcome.  The CBT I’m sure will kick in more in the next few weeks when we start examining things like ‘crooked thinking’.  Although I’m not sure I can remember what that even means at the moment.  I am just so worried about various things, and beginning to wonder whether I can see this through.

My main worry is my daughter.  I am a single mother, and although she will be having lunch at nursery 3 times a week, all her breakfasts, 2 lunches, and 3 evening meals will be at home.  It is very difficult, not only to cook a tiny amount for a 3 year old, but also to sit her down and ask her to eat her tea nicely, when mummy isn’t eating a fucking thing.  My daughter is obviously my main priority, and as such I am so very desperate that she does not develop a problem with eating.  Whether my not eating for such a long time would have any impact on her at this age I don’t know, but it’s certainly a little bit hard to ask her to eat things, because she can, quite rightly, turn around and say “well you’re not” .

I also worry about social stuff.  I know 3 months out of an entire adult lifetime is hardly anything, but I am in a position at the moment where I am about to start a new job.  It would be a shame to miss staff nights out, or opportunities to go for lunch with collegues who may be prospective friends, because I am not eating.  I know that I can still go to these things if I want, and just drink water.  I know that I can explain my diet, or make excuses as to why I am not eating.  However, I do not like going to pubs or restaurants and not drinking and eating, it’s just not easy for me, and something that is likely to throw me violently off the wagon very quickly.

I had a terrible morning on Friday.  I felt very low (a lot to do with time of the month probably, and also just a general underlying sense of bleh I’ve had for a while now), and got quite upset thinking about the weekend.  My boyfriend was coming up from London on Friday evening, and staying until Monday evening.  1 year anniversary.  I should have been looking forward to it, but all I could think was ‘what the hell have I got to offer him?’.  I was going to be out of the house from 12 until 3pm at my Lighterlife meeting, too tired to go anywhere or do much.  No eating or drinking, early nights, and then out to work on Monday.  Of course the reason he came was to see me, even in my irrational misery on Friday morning I knew this, but it didn’t make me feel any better.

I was very seriously considering eating on Saturday night, because I really just wanted us to enjoy something together.  I managed to get through it but I think it was a very unentertaining night for him.  We watched telly, I spent a bit of time on minimins, & we played some cards.  I’m sort of glad I came through it without eating, but I certainly don’t feel any sort of huge pride in having done so, and it hasn’t enthused me any more for the diet.

Another reason I am doubting the course, is that my faith in Lighterlife isn’t what it was.  I already mentioned the Coke Zero thing, and I think I mentioned the amount of carbohydrates needed to stay in ketosis.  Well I’ve looked at the nutritional information for the foodpacks, and 4 a day total about 40g net carbs, which is 20g more in a day than I ever had when I was doing Atkins.  I am in ketosis though, unless the counsellor has magical lying ketosticks, so perhaps 40g a day is fine.  The only other thing that bugs the life out of me (apart from the horrific price), is that they tell you to avoid avoid avoid citric acid.  You are not allowed chewing gum, soft drinks, lemon in your tea, anything with an ounce of citric acid, and this is because it may affect ketosis.  Eating one of the bars yesterday, I happened to look at the nutritional information and the ingredients, and ZOMGLOL it’s got fucking citric acid in it.  *shrugs*

So, I haven’t given up, I’m still on the diet.  I try not to make important decisions when I may be slightly overemotional, or just not in the right frame of mind.  I do still want to lose the weight, this is important to me, and so I will continue on the course until I am sure one way or the other, which route is the best for me.

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3 Responses to “Day Seven.”

  1. crestosssa said

    Hey

    I was surfing the web and i saw this site, pretty cool.
    Currently im running and adult site:Reachton
    k, just want to say hi 🙂
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  2. Music-Band said

    Hey

    I was surfing the web and i saw this site, pretty cool.
    Currently im running and adult site:Reachton
    k, just want to say hi 🙂
    Can i link you from my site? im looking for quality content like yours. If no let me know if i can add u in exchange for a montly fee or something.

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