Day Thirteen.

February 10, 2007

Weigh in, about 3.5lbs (she tells us in kilos, so I get confused about the amount in lbs) off this week, plus another cm off my waist.  Good stuff.

I have pretty much decided that this isn’t going to work for me this time.  The class today was quite good, we learnt about ego states, and the effect they have on us.  It all makes sense, especially when you think about things from your childhood that still affect your behaviour now.  The trouble is, I KNOW these things.  I am aware that having such strong boundaries with eating when I was a child, probably sends me into a ‘child ego state’ now, and I think bugger it, I’ll eat what I like because I can.  It’s all subconscious though, and therefore very difficult to control.

I was quite infuriated while watching the weekly DVD today.  They were interviewing a lady who had lost something like 10 stone with Lighterlife.  She looked great, and had obviously done very well.  She was asked how she felt now being slim, to which she replied very evangelically, that it was fantastic.  I’m sure it is.  They then showed a picture of her X stone heavier when she started Lighterlife, and asked how do you feel looking at that?  She shuddered, and said she was ashamed at how she looked then, and is ashamed looking at herself like that.  I think this is utterly the wrong thing to let people hear, and encourages us to feel ashamed for how we look now.

I know that we all WANT to be thinner and look better, but to reinforce the feelings we have of not being worthy because we’re fat now, by showing a lady openly saying she was ashamed of herself, and thin people sitting in front of her nodding in agreement, is horrible.   It’s very contradictory to see that in the video, and then be asked about times people have made you feel bad because of your weight, and for the counsellor to then tell you to wipe those thoughts from your mind because you count, and you don’t need to feel bad about the person you are.

I was also concerned for one of the ladies who I go with.  3 of us car share, and today one of the ladies admitted that she’d eaten 3 pringles.  On the way home she was saying how relieved she was that she was still in ketosis and still lost weight even after having them.  She said she felt so disgusted with herself that she as spitting them out, and spent ages afterwards worrying and feeling guilty and disappointed with herself.  For 3 pringles.  For someone who has only moderately overeaten through occassional greed, and is not THAT overweight anyway, to suddenly be so terribly horrified by having put something so small in her mouth, and to feel so badly about it for so long afterwards – these are symptoms of eating disorders, and I really feel that whether intentional or not, this course actually encourages this behaviour in people who haven’t suffered with it before.

I understand that if you want to keep on top of your weight when you have lost it, that you will have to be vigilant, and make effort probably every day to recognise your feelings and keep control of them, but to actually instill in someone this sort of level of attention to something is akin to obsession, and therefore really not healthy.

The counsellor asked how many of us saw food as a treat, and most people did.  I think most people do.  Not all food, but lots of it.  Apparently it’s just something that has continued from childhood when we had sweets or crisps or ice cream as a treat.  I too see food as a treat.  I also understood when the counsellor told us that we should try replacing food with something else as a treat.  I may be trying to make excuses for myself here, but really, what else is there?

As a single mother, come 7.30pm my daughter is in bed, I am alone.  My boyfriend is 200 miles away in London.  I cannot leave the house.  I have neither the money, nor the opportunity (there are not many people who can look after my daughter for me) for treats like a spa treatment, a trip to the cinema, an evening in the pub, or even just to pop out and spend the evening with a friend.  I get very lonely and feel very isolated, and I also feel very trapped.  I know that food is not an answer, but it is the only thing that I can have that I enjoy at these times.

Since beginning Lighterlife again, I have been going to bed very early to help get over this time.  I will try so very hard to stick to this, but it only works if I am tired enough.  Also having identified that I seem to eat the most between 8-10pm, I can be conscious of this.  I may try reducing the hour at which I allow myself to stop eating, in gradual amounts.  Writing this blog has certainly helped, as once I start writing, I seem to be able to go for a while (sorry about that), and that keeps me occupied.

I did initially think that doing Atkins, I would keep tabs on my calories as well as my carbs, but now I think I will just focus on making sure I have the carbs I am meant to, and try to be conscious of when I am hungry, and when I am full.  We’ll see how it goes, but after all the consideration I have given things recently, I don’t think obsessing about calories and denying myself something when I really want it, just because I’ve run out of calories, is a wise move.

I have eaten this past week, albeit not much, and still lost what I lost, and am still clearly in ketosis.  I would expect to stay in ketosis, and eating every day, still be able to lose a couple of lbs a week.  I may still keep a food diary, not to count calories, but rather to be able to be able to identify any patterns that might emerge with what and when and how I eat.  I am so very determined to get on top of this, and will be getting in touch with the therapist I have found that I will hopefully be able to have one to one sessions with soon.


One Response to “Day Thirteen.”

  1. […] side of things…and the psychological/emotional costs were eloquently described by a blogger who signed up for the program: I know that we all WANT to be thinner and look better, but to reinforce the feelings we have of […]

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