Hurrah!

I popped over to mum and dad’s yesterday and hopped on the scales (funnily enough at about 12:30, which would be my LL weigh in time), and according to those have gone down to 15st 3lbs.  That’s brilliant, and means I’ve lost about 5lbs in the last week on my own, and I’ve lost 19lbs total, hurrah!

Thomas was good, although we weren’t there for perhaps as long as we might have been, as I just got sick of the noise and the unruly children and the inconsiderate mothers and fathers there.  Being there reminded me why I don’t tend to take Ella to these sorts of things, and certainly not at half term.  I was also quite outraged at the money we had to spend to get there.  £8.50 each adult and £6.50 each child, and that was tickets bought early on the internet.  Once there, for that money you would think that the kids might get a free activity pack with some crayons or something, but nothing.  Ella kept seeing kids with Thomas flags & wanted one, £1!  Now I understand why it was almost impossible for my parents to take 3 kids out at any time, let alone school holidays.  They’d have been bankrupt.

Hot Fuzz was good, although I was really tired and had a headache while we were at the cinema so I probably didn’t enjoy it as much as I might.  We went to Tesco afterwards to pick up some pop to go with the vodka, and for the first time I actually craved carbohydrate.  I heard someone say ‘doughnuts’ and very very much wanted to to allow myself a lovely jammy sugary doughnut for the evening.  I got past it very quickly, but it’s not nice, because you feel deprived, and then silly for depriving yourself.  Still, I avoided it, and had a nice tea instead.

I finally took delivery of my low carb goodies, and the low carb wraps are a godsend.  Last night I fried chicken in a little oil and butter, squeezed a load of lemon juice over it, ground some black pepper over, and had it in a wrap with mayo and some lettuce.  I may have a bacon and tomato wrap for breakfast/lunch today, and chicken and bacon Caesar salad for tea I think.  I’ve been taking it easy on the low carb sweets/chocolate – I didn’t even take my marshmallows to the cinema.  I’ve been reading up on stuff, and apparently some of the sweeteners that get used in these low carb products (mostly maltitol) can cause gas and stomach cramps.  I’m not sure whether eating some chocolate made with maltitol was the cause of my horrid stomach pains through the week, but I’m limiting my intake just in case.

I’m not sure what the plans for today are, Lewis’ turn to decide where we’re going, probably somewhere for a walk.  I quite fancy popping into town so I can pick up some ketostix from Boots, but to be fair there’s no reason I can’t do that tomorrow on my lunch hour.  I seem to have woken up in some sort of mood, I’m not sure why, or even what sort of mood, but hopefully a walk and some fresh air might sort me out.

Day…..something.

I’m really only posting tonight for the sake of reminding myself I have this blog and that I intend to keep it up.

I’ve had what feels like the longest day in history, woken at 6.30am, up at 7am, out by 8am, 40 minutes early for work, a hellish journey back from work which meant we didn’t get home until past 6pm. I’ve had terrible stomach ache today too, I’m not entirely sure what’s up, but it feels like a cross between trapped wind, constipation, diarrhoea, and the feeling that my womb is about to drop out. As a result, I’m not even sure if I’ve been hungry today. I didn’t feel like eating at work, so I stuck to coffee and water, and more for the sake of having eaten something rather than anything else, I made a chicken and bacon salad for tea.

Atkins is going OK, providing it isn’t MEAT OVERLOAD that’s giving me a gippy stomach. I have emailed my Lighterlife counsellor tonight to tell her I won’t be continuing, and am still awaiting a reply from the counsellor I emailed on the weekend. Should I not hear from her by Wednesday, I will give her a call on Thursday.

Tonight will be a very early night, I’m shattered. I’d like to go to bed now, but to go before 10pm, for me, would mean waking up at daft ‘o clock in the morning. I’m hoping that having gone easy on the meat, having only 2 coffees, and nothing else but water today, will mean that I feel better tomorrow. Although tomorrow is Valentines day. Bleh. I don’t really subscribe to the whole thing, I haven’t bought my boyfriend a card or anything, but when everyone around you is constantly talking about the lovely evenings they are spending with their other halves, and how wonderful it is to be with them, it just drives it home how very far away he is, and how very very lovely it would be after a day like this, to have him here next to me on the sofa.

Thursday I will be taking Ella over to mum’s to ride her bicycle, and to be able to sit and enjoy a coffee and a cigarette with someone. Thursday evening I have a friend coming over, we’ll be making icing kittens to stand atop a birthday cake for another good friend. My boyfriend will also be over on Thursday night, but his train doesn’t arrive until just before midnight, and so I will probably be fast asleep by the time he gets here.

Friday I look forward to very much. Despite my hideous lack of money, we are going to the National Railway Museum, taking Ella to see Thomas The Tank Engine. She’s already excited about it, and asking to see him every day. As she is so small, and can’t really grasp time very well yet, I can only tell her that we aren’t going to see Thomas until mummy’s boyfriend is here. It should be great fun, and worth the money I think. I’m not sure who will enjoy it the most, Ella or Lewis.

Saturday once Ella has gone to her dads, we haven’t anything planned until the evening. I’ve bought us tickets to see Hot Fuzz at the cinema on an early evening showing. When we get back I suspect we may partake of some dinner, which I reckon HE can cook, and quite possibly a few drinks. We might try to make up for the boringness of our anniversary celebration! Having read up, I know that vodka has zero carbs, as does Coke Zero, therefore I think I can allow myself something. We were possibly going for a night out in West Yorkshire for a friend’s birthday (the friend the cake is for), but I can’t afford the petrol, and I don’t trust myself to drink when I will be surrounded by all manner of food I shouldn’t have. Alcohol really weakens my resolve and I’d rather not put myself in that position. At least having a drink at home doesn’t pose a problem, as all that’s in the house is what I can have.

I have ordered some low carb goodies from an online store, and am awaiting delivery of some zero carb marshmallows which I shall take to the cinema with me, some low carb tortilla wraps, a bottle of low carb sweet and sour sauce, some weird gelatinous zero carb noodle things (I am hoping to make some sort of stir fry with them, some chicken, some broccoli, & a bit of the sweet & sour sauce. God knows what they will be like though.) , and some cheesy snack things. There are some wonderful things available, all manner of zero carb sweets, low carb chocolates, low carb cake mixes, but I can’t afford any of them really. I shouldn’t even have indulged in what I’ve already ordered, but I do think it’s important to have some variety doing Atkins, it helps you stick to it.

Weight wise, I have no idea what is happening. My scales read drastically different at all times of the day on different days of the week. They’re so unreliable, I might just get rid of them. I will weigh myself on mum’s scales on Thursday to see what they say, they are usually accurate. I weighed 16st 8lbs on hers before I started Lighterlife, and last week when I was on them they said 15st 9lbs. I can’t imagine a reason why I wouldn’t be lighter than that by Thursday, but I have no idea by how much, so we’ll see. Fingers crossed. Again.

Day Thirteen – a little later.

ZOMGLOL I’ve emailed the counsellor I would like to go to.

She is here.

Her main specialty is in eating disorders, she seems flexible, does a 1 hour free first session, and does face to face AND telephone counselling, which is brilliant. As seeing her face to face will involve having someone to look after Ella which I can never guarantee, the telephone sessions would mean there’d be no need for me to miss a session just because I have Ella. I feel so much more positive about this than I was feeling about LL. I can’t wait for her response!

Day Thirteen.

Weigh in, about 3.5lbs (she tells us in kilos, so I get confused about the amount in lbs) off this week, plus another cm off my waist.  Good stuff.

I have pretty much decided that this isn’t going to work for me this time.  The class today was quite good, we learnt about ego states, and the effect they have on us.  It all makes sense, especially when you think about things from your childhood that still affect your behaviour now.  The trouble is, I KNOW these things.  I am aware that having such strong boundaries with eating when I was a child, probably sends me into a ‘child ego state’ now, and I think bugger it, I’ll eat what I like because I can.  It’s all subconscious though, and therefore very difficult to control.

I was quite infuriated while watching the weekly DVD today.  They were interviewing a lady who had lost something like 10 stone with Lighterlife.  She looked great, and had obviously done very well.  She was asked how she felt now being slim, to which she replied very evangelically, that it was fantastic.  I’m sure it is.  They then showed a picture of her X stone heavier when she started Lighterlife, and asked how do you feel looking at that?  She shuddered, and said she was ashamed at how she looked then, and is ashamed looking at herself like that.  I think this is utterly the wrong thing to let people hear, and encourages us to feel ashamed for how we look now.

I know that we all WANT to be thinner and look better, but to reinforce the feelings we have of not being worthy because we’re fat now, by showing a lady openly saying she was ashamed of herself, and thin people sitting in front of her nodding in agreement, is horrible.   It’s very contradictory to see that in the video, and then be asked about times people have made you feel bad because of your weight, and for the counsellor to then tell you to wipe those thoughts from your mind because you count, and you don’t need to feel bad about the person you are.

I was also concerned for one of the ladies who I go with.  3 of us car share, and today one of the ladies admitted that she’d eaten 3 pringles.  On the way home she was saying how relieved she was that she was still in ketosis and still lost weight even after having them.  She said she felt so disgusted with herself that she as spitting them out, and spent ages afterwards worrying and feeling guilty and disappointed with herself.  For 3 pringles.  For someone who has only moderately overeaten through occassional greed, and is not THAT overweight anyway, to suddenly be so terribly horrified by having put something so small in her mouth, and to feel so badly about it for so long afterwards – these are symptoms of eating disorders, and I really feel that whether intentional or not, this course actually encourages this behaviour in people who haven’t suffered with it before.

I understand that if you want to keep on top of your weight when you have lost it, that you will have to be vigilant, and make effort probably every day to recognise your feelings and keep control of them, but to actually instill in someone this sort of level of attention to something is akin to obsession, and therefore really not healthy.

The counsellor asked how many of us saw food as a treat, and most people did.  I think most people do.  Not all food, but lots of it.  Apparently it’s just something that has continued from childhood when we had sweets or crisps or ice cream as a treat.  I too see food as a treat.  I also understood when the counsellor told us that we should try replacing food with something else as a treat.  I may be trying to make excuses for myself here, but really, what else is there?

As a single mother, come 7.30pm my daughter is in bed, I am alone.  My boyfriend is 200 miles away in London.  I cannot leave the house.  I have neither the money, nor the opportunity (there are not many people who can look after my daughter for me) for treats like a spa treatment, a trip to the cinema, an evening in the pub, or even just to pop out and spend the evening with a friend.  I get very lonely and feel very isolated, and I also feel very trapped.  I know that food is not an answer, but it is the only thing that I can have that I enjoy at these times.

Since beginning Lighterlife again, I have been going to bed very early to help get over this time.  I will try so very hard to stick to this, but it only works if I am tired enough.  Also having identified that I seem to eat the most between 8-10pm, I can be conscious of this.  I may try reducing the hour at which I allow myself to stop eating, in gradual amounts.  Writing this blog has certainly helped, as once I start writing, I seem to be able to go for a while (sorry about that), and that keeps me occupied.

I did initially think that doing Atkins, I would keep tabs on my calories as well as my carbs, but now I think I will just focus on making sure I have the carbs I am meant to, and try to be conscious of when I am hungry, and when I am full.  We’ll see how it goes, but after all the consideration I have given things recently, I don’t think obsessing about calories and denying myself something when I really want it, just because I’ve run out of calories, is a wise move.

I have eaten this past week, albeit not much, and still lost what I lost, and am still clearly in ketosis.  I would expect to stay in ketosis, and eating every day, still be able to lose a couple of lbs a week.  I may still keep a food diary, not to count calories, but rather to be able to be able to identify any patterns that might emerge with what and when and how I eat.  I am so very determined to get on top of this, and will be getting in touch with the therapist I have found that I will hopefully be able to have one to one sessions with soon.

Day Nine.

I’m not sure, but this feels a bit like a sign – http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/6335077.stm

OK, I’m not aiming for a size zero, but everything that woman says rings true. I was confident enough before I knew I was starting LL, and almost as soon as I had a start date, I started to feel very conscious of myself, even to the point of being a little bit put off being ‘intimate’ with my boyfriend, which I have never ever been.

I also felt disappointed with my weight loss last week. 8lbs in a week really is stunningly good, but last time I did it I lost 1st 1lb in my first week, so 8lb seemed shit. This is not the right way to think. I weighed myself before starting LL, to find out I had gained 6lbs in the two weeks leading up to it. Instead of being horrified, because really, 6 lbs in 2 weeks is disgusting, I was very pleased it wasn’t more, and dwelled on the thought no more. My thinking is apparently all backwards.

I still don’t know whether I will stop doing LL, but everything I keep thinking and hearing and reading is pointing me more towards giving it up. If I do, I think the idea will be to stay in ketosis and do Atkins to continue losing weight (at whatever rate my body decides), and to do some proper research into therapists/psychiatrists in the area. Perhaps I can get better results seeing someone on a one to one basis. I will probably decide on the weekend. I am still going to make it to my next meeting, and see if anything changes for me, and then I am going to visit a good friend on Sunday, who has a very sensible head on her, and talk it through before I try to make a decision. In the mean time, I’m going to mostly be drinking water, weeing, and cuddling the hot water bottle my delicious boyfriend bought me for our anniversary.

Day Seven.

First weigh in yesterday afternoon, and I lost 3.7 kilos, which is just over 8lb.  I still don’t know what my weight is, or was, according to the counsellor’s scales.  I was a little disappointed, as I weighed myself on my mum’s scales before I started and they read 16st 8lbs, and when I weighed myself on them again on Thursday (and also today) they said 15st 9lbs.  They have always been accurate before (and in line with the scales of whoever else is weighing me at the time), so I am trusting them.  My own scales said I had gone from 230lbs to 218lbs, so I’m fairly sure I’ve lost more than 8.  It’s perhaps down to the fact it is my time of the month.  Either way, I’ve had a good loss, and when I was measured, I’ve lost 3cm from my bust, and 3cm from my waist which is great.

Spent most of the weekend feeling a bit down about things.  The class yesterday was not at all inspiring, in fact everything the counsellor said made me think probably the opposite to what she intended me to.  She was talking about making SMART goals for weight loss and for life, and to illustrate her point she told us about tetraplegics she had worked with, who had before been healthy.  Her point was that you never know what will happen tomorrow, so don’t waste time.  All that made me think was why the fuck am I wasting 2 hours of my Saturday here, and the next three months of my life not eating, drinking, or socialising?

The class so far seems very geared towards weight loss, which I know is the main point, but the reason I am doing Lighterlife rather than any other sort of diet is because I have serious eating problems which I desperately want to overcome.  The CBT I’m sure will kick in more in the next few weeks when we start examining things like ‘crooked thinking’.  Although I’m not sure I can remember what that even means at the moment.  I am just so worried about various things, and beginning to wonder whether I can see this through.

My main worry is my daughter.  I am a single mother, and although she will be having lunch at nursery 3 times a week, all her breakfasts, 2 lunches, and 3 evening meals will be at home.  It is very difficult, not only to cook a tiny amount for a 3 year old, but also to sit her down and ask her to eat her tea nicely, when mummy isn’t eating a fucking thing.  My daughter is obviously my main priority, and as such I am so very desperate that she does not develop a problem with eating.  Whether my not eating for such a long time would have any impact on her at this age I don’t know, but it’s certainly a little bit hard to ask her to eat things, because she can, quite rightly, turn around and say “well you’re not” .

I also worry about social stuff.  I know 3 months out of an entire adult lifetime is hardly anything, but I am in a position at the moment where I am about to start a new job.  It would be a shame to miss staff nights out, or opportunities to go for lunch with collegues who may be prospective friends, because I am not eating.  I know that I can still go to these things if I want, and just drink water.  I know that I can explain my diet, or make excuses as to why I am not eating.  However, I do not like going to pubs or restaurants and not drinking and eating, it’s just not easy for me, and something that is likely to throw me violently off the wagon very quickly.

I had a terrible morning on Friday.  I felt very low (a lot to do with time of the month probably, and also just a general underlying sense of bleh I’ve had for a while now), and got quite upset thinking about the weekend.  My boyfriend was coming up from London on Friday evening, and staying until Monday evening.  1 year anniversary.  I should have been looking forward to it, but all I could think was ‘what the hell have I got to offer him?’.  I was going to be out of the house from 12 until 3pm at my Lighterlife meeting, too tired to go anywhere or do much.  No eating or drinking, early nights, and then out to work on Monday.  Of course the reason he came was to see me, even in my irrational misery on Friday morning I knew this, but it didn’t make me feel any better.

I was very seriously considering eating on Saturday night, because I really just wanted us to enjoy something together.  I managed to get through it but I think it was a very unentertaining night for him.  We watched telly, I spent a bit of time on minimins, & we played some cards.  I’m sort of glad I came through it without eating, but I certainly don’t feel any sort of huge pride in having done so, and it hasn’t enthused me any more for the diet.

Another reason I am doubting the course, is that my faith in Lighterlife isn’t what it was.  I already mentioned the Coke Zero thing, and I think I mentioned the amount of carbohydrates needed to stay in ketosis.  Well I’ve looked at the nutritional information for the foodpacks, and 4 a day total about 40g net carbs, which is 20g more in a day than I ever had when I was doing Atkins.  I am in ketosis though, unless the counsellor has magical lying ketosticks, so perhaps 40g a day is fine.  The only other thing that bugs the life out of me (apart from the horrific price), is that they tell you to avoid avoid avoid citric acid.  You are not allowed chewing gum, soft drinks, lemon in your tea, anything with an ounce of citric acid, and this is because it may affect ketosis.  Eating one of the bars yesterday, I happened to look at the nutritional information and the ingredients, and ZOMGLOL it’s got fucking citric acid in it.  *shrugs*

So, I haven’t given up, I’m still on the diet.  I try not to make important decisions when I may be slightly overemotional, or just not in the right frame of mind.  I do still want to lose the weight, this is important to me, and so I will continue on the course until I am sure one way or the other, which route is the best for me.

Day Four.

Oh.  My.  God.  I.  Want.  To.  Eat.

I have had a hellish day in terms of wanting to eat.  So far I haven’t, and I think now I am over the worst, but it has taken so SO much to stop myself.  I know I’m in ketosis by now, as I’m fucking freezing all the time, which is a side effect.  Unfortunately though, I don’t seem to benefit from the loss of hunger feelings you are meant to experience when in ketosis, which makes things very hard.

I have mostly been putting off eating by reading threads on minimins, only because it can be distracting.  Some of the threads are vaguely helpful, people encouraging each other, success stories, words of wisdom etc.  However, a lot of threads are about people falling off the wagon, and there is even a whole section for ‘restarters’ which doesn’t fill me with confidence.  There’s even a thread asking how many people who have restarted VLCDs have actually seen them through to completion after previously failing, and there seemed to be only 2.  I know that the success or failure of a bunch of internet strangers does not directly affect how well I cope with this, but it is hard to trust something entirely when you see so many failing.  It’s a bit like getting on a rollercoaster after watching 3 people fall off it.

The first time I did LL, I had sod all idea about it really.  I went to the classes, I bought my foodpacks, I took what my counsellor said as gospel, and stuck to it 100%, and it was so easy, the whole 9 weeks.  Since coming off it and doing Atkins, and researching various things, it is SO hard for me to stick to, because I know more than I should.  Ketosis is a result of having a very very low carbohydrate intake.  LL foodpacks are very low carb, and this is what puts you into ketosis (which allows you to lose weight quickly), not the low calorie intake.  To be in ketosis and losing weight at the same rate when doing Atkins,  you have to restrict your net carb intake to about 20g a day (net carbs is the carbs (g) minus the fibre (g) in the product).  Things like meat & poultry contain pretty much no carbs (unless you buy processed shite), and dairy very little.  This is why Atkins works, despite the fact that people eat large amounts of fatty foods.  When I did it, I existed mostly on chicken and bacon salads, low carb chocolate, bacon and eggs, german salami, and full cream in coffee.

I’m not sure how much carbohydrate there is in the LL foodpacks, I can’t find the nutritional values on the internet anywhere, and they aren’t printed on the packs.  I know you can get the nutritional values on a sheet, I had them last time, but I can’t for the life of me remember what they were.  Still, regardless of how much carboydrate is in the packs, the point is that you could add more protein to the diet without coming out of ketosis.  As the foodpacks total about 500 calories a day, and most ‘normal’ diets recommend reducing your daily intake from 2000 to 1500 calories in order to lose weight, just nibbling a chicken breast, or a piece of ham, or some bacon, would really not much affect your weight loss.

It is knowing this that makes it harder to stick to.  Plus the fact I am more cynical now than the first time I did the diet.  When I started it was £44 a week.  The company was set up by a couple of people who were desperate to lose weight quickly, conquer their food issues while doing it, and live happily ever after.  Apparently once they did this, setting up LL was merely because they wanted to share this wonderful diet with other desperate people.  Since the cost went up to £66 a week, I have lost the faith that this is a company that really want to help people, they are just grabbing as much money from desperate fatties as possible.

Another thing that would seem to confirm this point is the restrictions placed upon you during the diet.  You are allowed foodpacks, black tea or coffee, water, tablet sweetners, and that’s your lot the whole time.  However, should you find water boring, LL have 2 water flavourings you can use.  They cost £9 a tub.  They also have savoury drinks which cost about £8 for 7 sachets or something.  It’s basically boullion.

We are told not to drink soft drinks because the citric acid in them MAY knock us out of ketosis.  Last year when Coke Zero came out, I happened to read the ingredients and nutritional information.  Obviously it’s pretty much calorie free, as are most sugar free soft drinks.  It is also carbohydrate free, and indeed citric acid free.  So, I emailed LL head office to say I had found that Coke Zero had no carbs and no citric acid, and was it OK therefore, to drink it.  The replied with a no, as it MAY knock you out of ketosis.  I replied to them asking what it was that the Coke Zero contained that would affect the ketosis, and they hilariously replied with ‘we don’t know, it might be the citric acid’.

I am therefore convinced that the main reason you are told not to have soft drinks is because then you will buy more of their water flavourings.  With up to 12 people in one group alone, buying a tub at £9 each, every other week, that’s a nice extra profit on top of everything else they already get.  I find it quite horrible really that desperation is so badly exploited in this way.  It also makes doing the diet very hard.  I would like to stick to it completely, but knowing everything that I know, I have been allowing myself a dash of milk in my coffee, as the carbohydrates and calories are negligible (unless I start drinking 15 cups a day), and I have a bottle of Coke Zero in my car boot.  I haven’t touched it yet, as I haven’t fancied it, but if I do, I will have it.  Perhaps this is a mistake, I don’t know yet.

If any people on LL are reading this, I certainly would not encourage you to tinker with the diet.  It is most likely easier to get through your 100 days if you just do as you are told.  I am just very cynical, and spend too much time looking up things on the internet.  I know too much for my own good.

I may now have one more glass of water and a ciggie before bed.  A better day tomorrow, I hope.

Day One.

I’ve managed it!

Alright, so that’s no great success considering I have another 99 days to manage it too, but I’m pleased because it’s been one hell of a day to get through. I can honestly recommend NEVER starting any sort of diet the day following a lot of booze. Particularly a lot of red wine.

I had a great time last night, it was ace to spend time with all the people I was looking forward to seeing. I don’t think I went overboard with the eating considering it was my ‘last supper’, I just grazed on things across the evening. I didn’t go overboard with the drinking either, although I think I put my glass down at exactly the right time. One more sip and I think I’d have been quite poorly.

I was OK most of this morning, I got myself a glass of water as soon as I came downstairs, and managed 4 within a couple of hours of being up. I had a wanker of a headache from the wine, and that general hangovery meh-ness that usually requires medication by a complex combination of grease/salt/carbohydrate/grease, and not long after lunch I started to struggle.

I’m surprised at how quickly I started having arguments with myself in my head, as that normally doesn’t kick in for a while – the excitingness of starting something so full of promise usually keeps me going quite well. I had a little voice in my head for most of the afternoon and evening, reasoning that I had already agreed with myself that I might start a day later than everyone else and therefore should just eat today in order to feel better, and start on the foodpacks tomorrow. I somehow managed to work through this, which I think was a mixture of having my boyfriend here until 9pm (it’s hard to give up in front of someone who is totally supporting you through this), not having much food in the house anyway, and smoking a little more than usual (thank sweet fuckety fuck for fags).

The last time I did Lighterlife, I started out brilliantly. It took so very little effort to get into it and get used to having the foodpacks, and I didn’t suffer at all in the early stages. However, I fell off the wagon about 4 weeks in and I think it was a slippery slope after that. I am hoping that this time the opposite will happen, and that after a difficult start, things will get easier as I go along.

I think the worst part at this stage is the hunger. I’m sure a lot of fatties like me would be the same, and admit that it isn’t often we feel hungry, and therefore it’s a strange thing to have to deal with for any length of time. The hunger mostly passes once your body goes into ketosis, but this can take a couple of days. Although I fully believe in Lighterlife, there are times when you walk past the fruitbowl and wonder just what the shitting fuck is so wrong with you that you can’t allow yourself a handful of grapes, or a satsuma. This will pass too though, having been over 9 weeks into the course the first time I did it, I have the benefit of knowing how easy it can be.

After a while, once the food packs and the water become the norm, you can start to feel quite righteous actually. I did it over Christmas the first time, and it was surprisingly easy. The thought of being the only one to come into the New Year having lost 7lbs rather than put it on was enough to keep me going I think, and I actually felt really pleased with myself for happily saying no thanks to everything, when everyone else was sat there undoing their trousers with the bloat. It felt especially good when I returned to my class after 2 weeks, and I was the only one who didn’t cheat at all. It really didn’t make a blind bit of difference to my Christmas that I didn’t eat or drink, and I keep trying to remind myself of this when I wonder how I will cope with various situations in the next few months. I would really really really rather spend the next 3 months losing the weight, and the following month learning how to maintain my weight, so that I can fully enjoy my summer.

I did the dreaded photo thing with my boyfriend this afternoon. At Lighterlife they take before and after pictures, but all you get inbetween is weigh ins and measurements taken each week. I intend to have a photo taken every week, and have decided I will post it here, along with the weight I am when the photo was taken. We took 2 sets of photos, one photo clothed, and pictures from front, side and back while I was naked. I have to admit I bloody hated it. As much time as I spend naked with my boyfriend, there is a big difference to being curled up in bed in the dark and being stood starkers in harsh light. Still, the point is that there is evidence of exactly how I look now, that will help to keep me from ever returning to it. In three months time I will be able to compare pictures and be in no doubt about the difference (I usually find it hard to feel a difference, even when there clearly is one), and I suppose being disgusted by how I look at this weight isn’t entirely a bad thing, as it will hopefully spur me on in the maintenance phase.

I can’t believe I am being so brave, but here we go, here is the first photo. Please bear in mind I am both tired and hungover, and that I am also finding the act of standing in front of a camera in all my flollopy glory, quite horrific. Today I weigh 230lbs. That’s 16st 6lbs, or REET CHUFFIN LARDY in layman’s terms. Thank fuck I’ve got my wibbly arse in gear and started this.

D Day

First meeting.  Fine.  A nice mix of people, there were some who seemed about my age, some who had done it before, some who had come from as far as Scarborough, and some that live round the corner from me.  The counsellor seems nice, very helpful, not patronising.  I feel quite good about it so far.

The 2 hour class is a bit of an effort, I have to say.  I got hideously restless legs and could not for the life of me get comfortable, but I imagine that to be a mix of things; being uncomfortable in myself at the moment, achey knees, and being in a cramped room surrounded by fatties doesn’t give you much room for manoeuvre.  I’m also a little apprehensive having failed last time, but hopefully once I’m a couple of weeks in, the determination will take over and I’ll not feel that any more.

Luckily for me, someone else asked if we were meant to start today, and the counsellor actually said that it’s better to start tomorrow, as then we won’t run out of foodpacks before we come to class next Saturday.  This means that I will be attending my party tonight, & the last meal will mostly consist of red wine.  Hurrah!

I can’t say I’m 100% thrilled about going, I was, if I’m honest, probably looking for an excuse not to go.  It isn’t that I don’t like the people that are going, quite the opposite in fact; there will be an awful lot of people there that I haven’t seen for months, and won’t get the opportunity to see again for many months more.  It is mainly that I have got so fat now, that I barely have any clothes that feel comfortable, and I’m generally feeling very worried about how people see me at the moment.  Because it’s such a long time since I have seen some of these people, I KNOW that they will notice I am much bigger now.  I don’t think for a second that any of them will mention it, or let it affect their opinion of me, or make them less glad to see me, but in my head, it is hard to reason that when I am so conscious of my stomach or my double chin.

Still, I am going, I will get dressed up in whatever I feel most comfortable in, and I will have a good evening.  My boyfriend is driving, so if for any reason I want to go home, I can at any time.  I’m fairly sure that after a couple of glasses of wine and some hugs from some of the people I like best in my life, that I will quickly slip into a comfort zone and enjoy myself properly.

I don’t know that I will be writing too often once I have started the foodpacks.  To be honest, there won’t be a great deal to report, apart from the fact that I’ve been to the loo 87 times after having to drink 4 litres of water a day, and so I will only promise to write weekly, after my weigh in.  I will continue to use this as an opportunity to confront my feelings though, and will try to write whenever I am dealing with anything out of the ordinary.  Tomorrow will be when my boyfriend takes the first pictures, and if I decide then that I am going to make those public, I will either post them here, or link to my flickr page, and produce a ‘weight loss’ set.  As long as you promise not to point and laugh at the lardy.

I’m off to get pissed.

I know.

Alright, I haven’t written.  I’m shit.  I spent the weekend doing fun things with Ella on Saturday morning, drinking red wine, and going to bed at 23:30, and sleeping until 10:00, then sitting a lot.   Since then I have spent a lot of time reading Ofsted reports and researching day nurseries.  I had a meeting with my new employers yesterday to agree the finer points of a contract, and today we went to visit 2 nurseries.

Long and short of it is that Ella has her first settling in session at nursery tomorrow, and another on Thursday, then 3 half day sessions the following week, then 3 full day sessions the week before I start work on the 12th Feb (I will actually be going in the week before, but only until 2pm for training and familiarisation purposes).  She didn’t want to leave the nurseries today, I think she has been so starved of contact with peers in the last 4 months, and is so ready for me not to be in her face all day, every day of the week, that she is desperate to go to school again.  This is a good thing, it means hopefully settling her into a new routine shouldn’t be too difficult, that’s part of the reason I am starting her tomorrow, I might as well harness her enthusiasm for the place.

Eating-wise nothing has changed.  I have got a record of what I’ve eaten for the days I’ve not posted, but I don’t really want to share it at the moment.  Lets just assume I have continued on the same theme as the days I have posted.  Luckily, there are only 4 more sleeps until my first Lighterlife session.  I don’t have quite the same enthusiasm for it as I did a week or so ago, but this will be renewed once I get there and get on with it.  Especially once I have my first weigh in (which is usually half way through your first week) and see some sort of result.  I’ve lost the enthusiasm, or maybe rather the excitement, but the overall determination to complete the course and lose this weight is still there.

I am trying to decide at the moment whether to attend a party on Saturday, that I agreed and arranged to go to when it was first planned at the end of last year.  I want to go, as there will be so many people there I want to see, many coming from quite far south that I don’t get many opportunities to see.  On the other hand, I went to a party while I was doing Lighterlife last time, and it was one of the factors that led to my breaking the abstinance and eating.

I have decided to decide on the day.  Having done Lighterlife before, I know that sometimes people will have breakfast before they come to the first meeting, and therefore don’t actually start the course until the following day.  If the majority of people in my new class are going to start their food packs on the Sunday, I may use Saturday night as my last opportunity for a while, to enjoy a drink in the company of friends.  And have drunken sex with my boyfriend.    If I start on the Saturday, I think I will do the sensible thing, and stay home.  Probably alone.  With 4 litres of water.  HOORAY!